Not with Great Frequency

The Human Element

We launched the Gabriel's Life site  a week ago (www.gabrielslife.org). So far, response has been really great. I think people get it. I hope they get it.

It has been interesting to me that people read my story and what happened to my son and get angry. Often they rant about the doctors and medical industry, as if they think that will comfort me. As if being angry is the response I want from them and that it will make sense to me. It doesn't.

Maybe I am very naive and clueless, but it doesn't make sense to be angry at the doctors. Dr. Edwards, Gabriel's neurosurgeon, is an amazing person. I used to tease him when I saw him, saying he looked younger all the time, I didn't want him to retire and leave me without someone I knew and trusted. I bet his wife does. Hard to imagine being the spouse or child of a neurosurgeon, does his phone ever stop ringing? Do people ever stop needing him?  Does he ever say, "No, I cannot operate on your child's brain today, I have plans."?

If I have a really great day at work, I schedule a bunch of meetings and manage to return ten calls. A bad day, I botch up flight reservations and get 30,000 printed copies of a typo. Consider a doctor's good day, they save someone's life, they hug the happy family, and say, "He will be fine."  What about the bad days, people don't get better and there is nothing that can be done, people die. Or the really awful days, you make a mistake and something really horrible happens. How many of us could handle a doctor's bad day? Not me, no thanks.

To expect perfection from everyone, including doctors, is to not allow them to be humans. The element that allows a person to feel compassion and sadness, is the same one that allows mistakes and errors. Can't have one without the other. I am glad that doctors are not mechanical robots, am glad they smile and cry, and am really glad they are willing to make sacrifices the rest of us can hardly imagine.

Knowing Who to Call

A couple weeks ago, Sophia and I were moving rocks in the backyard, we REALLY know how to have a good time! We could push the watermelon sized rocks pretty well, but there was one much bigger, more the size of four watermelons (the big kind, not the freakish seedless variety that are in the stores in December).

Sophia quickly recognized her mother’s limits and said, “I know what to do,” and she took off. About fifteen minutes later, my dad showed up at the door. Looks like Sophia has learned a fundamental life skill, know your limits and know who to call. She knew I would never be able to heave the big rock, and she knew who could get the job done.

About five minutes after Grandpa’s arrival, and lots of advice from Sophia (not as helpful as her phone powers) the rock was moved and she had someone to play with her. And I was reminded it is in my best interest to always stay on her good side.

I.C.E.

After about 20 seconds of thought and being given permission, I listed my brother-in-law Matt in my phone as ICE (In Case of Emergency). Actually he is listed as ICE ICE‑ not sure if the emergency folks search by first or last name, and I want to be covered. Following are a few factors that lead to his renaming:

He consistently answers his various phones.

He is married to my sister who knows my medical history better than I do.

He will always be able to locate the people who have a strong interest in my health and well-being, even those not related to me.

He has 425+ contacts in Linked-In.

He has a valid, and frequently used passport.

He is not prone to freaking out.

He did make me agree that if I croaked he could have my shiny new iPhone. Glad he will be getting his own in October.

Noticing Happiness

Kurt Vonegut died a couple weeks ago. I read a couple of his books in college, but don't remember much of them. After he died I saw part of interview he did with Charlie Rose. He said something really smart. Happiness is  nots constant state of being, but moments sprinkled throughout your days. The secret is to recognize the happy moments. Like waterskiing across Whitefish Lake at sunset. Or laying in bed with your daughter while she speculates about how the pull-string winds up the music box inside of her teddybear. Or making good food to feed your favorite people.

The Convenient

I am an optimist. I smile for my drivers license; I thought marriage counseling was a good idea. No doubt looking on the bright side and having a plan is a good idea. Too bad I didn’t realize this was such a marketable idea.

“The Secret,” seems to come up in conversation at least once a day. “You know, you brought this upon yourself. Have you seen The Secret?” I am a bit shocked by who and how many people have totally embraced the message of a DVD. Makes me want to hire a production company and make a movie, in it I will reveal that puppies are cute and human infants don’t sleep all night. What insight! Are people so starved for a quick happy that they will unquestioningly gobble up the words and products of articulate people?

 The Law of Attraction, everything that happens is a result of our own thoughts. We have control over everything, nothing happens to us without our approval. Try out this theory in a pediatric cancer ward. Let me know if you live to tell about it. Don’t know if there is a tour to promote The Secret. If there is, I am betting there will not be an appearance in New Orleans (while y’all were inventing jazz, you were also asking for your city to be pummeled), after yesterday, Blacksburg, VA probably won’t be on the list of appearances either.

Believing everything that happens to us is a reflection of our own minds is a bit twisted, but so convenient. Seals everything up in a nice little package. No need to be responsible for anyone but ourselves. Those folks in Darfur, they should stop focusing on genocide, they are bringing it all upon themselves. Those kids born to mothers who are crack heads, should have had purer pre-natal thoughts. I’m not buying it, but judging by conversation, lots of people are.

Some Thoughts about Grief

Unfortunately, life has given me a couple of reasons for me to receive lots of sympathy cards. Been thinking lately about how challenging it can be to deal with people who are grieving. Someone once told me I should write a handbook about grief, don't have time for that. This will have to do.

• There is no closure. The aftermath of death is not a box missing a lid. People told me to "take time to grieve." What does that mean? Should I schedule an appointment, maybe twice a year, to be sad? Grief is not chicken pox that will go away after a couple weeks, it is a tattoo that stays forever. It should.
  
  
• Don't give lasagna. Especially don't give a single lasagna that could feed a JV basketball team. Food is always good, so are flowers, but they are better later. In the midst of planning a funeral, reorganizing the freezer to cram in more food is a drag. My friend Nicole, brought me dinner for months, would just show up with grocery bags, bread, salad, dessert, the works. Probably haven't thanked her enough.
• Send more than one card. Mentioned the sympathy cards before, received lots of them. Looked at few of them, saw the signatures but little else. Tracey sent lots of cards, profound, funny, beautiful. One was about shopping, all were really great.

• Never, ever, ever (and this really happens) compare the death of a person to the death of a pet. Even if your cat is so precious you would give it a kidney, it is not a person. The loss or illness of an animal is not the same or similair to the loss or illness of a human. Not even close.

People don't mention death because they don't want to upset anyone. When someone close dies, that event is with you every moment of everyday. I describe it as wearing sunglasses. You aren't always consciencly thinking about the person who is gone but it colors and influencs everything. Hearing mention of a dead loved one is a comfort and a good thing. Fearing the world has forgotten the person you love is horrible.

Last summer, I was at two family reunions in less than a week. My extended family is big, counting only the usual suspects and first cousins the numbers add up to 170+. Of all of those people, people who have known me my entire life, only one mentioned the loss of my son. One. My cousin Kish, she is a lawyer and defends the rights of immigrants, I liked her before she mentioned Gabriel but now I think she should be President.

If someone you know is dealing with a death, don't ignore it. Tell them you are thinking of them and that you are sorry. And look them in the eye when you say it, then send them a funny card.

Hey, it's My Birthday!

Today is my birthday, always a good day for me. The whole getting older thing is not a big deal , but this year I am noticing something different. The music I listened to in high school and college is being used in TV commercials. I have never thought it is a bad thing for artists to make a chunk of change for their work. Good for them if they can put their kids through college or buy their mom a car. Anyone who has seen Iggy Pop knows the guy has not had enough money to buy food, hopefully he will take some of that cruise ship money and buy a sandwich. Funny, a song hyping cruises mentions "hypnotizing chickens."

The Pogues "Sunnyside of the Street" is being used to sell gigantic Cadillacs. This is the same band that sings "life's a bitch, then you die, black hell!" guess that one doesn't have the same cheery connotations needed to sell petrol-guzzling urban-assault vehicles. The Violent  Femmes are hawking food for Wendy's and Blondie is singing "one way or another,  I'm going to find you" in reference to dirt to sell some kind of new mop.

All of this makes it clear that I am now in a demographic that should care about big cars and dust under my couch. Things will really be grim when Social D sings to sell the lastest heart burn drug.

PS. Today is not birthday. Can't remember how to post-date these posts. Sucks to live in the past!

If Cinderalla had an iPod

The iPod has done more for housework than the vacuum. Even the most monotonous chores are tolerable if there is some music for a distraction. If Cinderalla would have had some Lily Allen in her ear that fairy tale would have had a different ending. Cinderalla would had had her Fairy Godmother whip up some venture capital, drafted the Prince to endorse a line of glass slippers and put the ugly step family in the basement to man the call center.

The Battle of New Orleans

Heard an old friend's voice on the radio the other day. Nice to hear his voice, sad to hear the story.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6806017

I rarely think of Hurricane Katrina without associating it with my son's death. The Saturday Hurricane Katrina was stomping on the Delta was the day of Gabriel's funeral. The images on the television and accounts on the radio added to the up-side-down nature of my thinking. Neither disaster seemed possible or real.

Reason #9,528 Why I Love Apple.

My G4 died. The logic board burned out. Had it for five years. It was a faithful companion, never failing through billable-hours of PhotoShop and InDesign work. Never lost any info, never got a virus, never started on fire, just slowly slipped away and stopped responding even when I zapped the P-Ram. Still not sure what that means but I tried it.

I took it to the very capable folks at Mac-O-Rama. They diagnosed the problem, saved all of the contents of the hardrive and sold me a new Mac Mini.  A much, much smaller computer, to get a sense of the scale, think of moving from a 3-bedroom house into your car. Only guess what, you still have plenty of space!

Mac-O-Rama took the contents of my G4 loaded it onto the Mini, salvaged the still viable hard drive and recycled the remains of the G4. I took the new computer home plugged it into my monitor and was up and running in five minutes. Would have been two, but I vacuumed behind my desk before turning it on. Had to reload the printer drivers but that was it. Everything was there, running, working, fine.

Check out the new Mac ads. "Self Pity" is my favorite.